Excerpts from Nagini's Diary
by Princess Schez
Summary: A look into the life of Voldy's pet snake, Nagini.
1. Memiors of a snake

Day 702 - Voldy continues to taunt me with these bizarre, little dangling objects and talks to me as if I am a moron. On top of this great injustice, he and the rest of the Death Eaters continue to dine lavishly on fresh meat -- and in Voldy's case, my milk -- while I am forced to eat this dry, crappy stuff called snake food. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape; that, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture... or if I'm feeling a bit peckish, a house plant. I fear I may be going insane. Why, just yesterday, I ate one of the Death Eater's robes. Tomorrow I may attempt to eat another one... or maybe a mask. I haven't ruined one of those yet. 

Day 708 - Today, my attempt to kill Wormtail by slithering around his feet while walking almost succeeded... Hmm, must try this theory on top of the stairs.

Continuing with my other plans to disgust and repulse this extremely nauseating man, I once again induced myself to vomit on his favorite chair.

Note to self: Must try this theory on his bed.

Day 713 - Today I decapitated a Harry Potter doll and brought Voldy the headless body, in an attempt to make him aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into his heart. Voldy only cooed and condescended about what a good little snake I was... Hmm, why don't my plans work the way I devise them?

Day 718 - I am finally aware of how sadistic Voldy is. For no good reason he chose me for the water torture, executed by none other than Wormtail. This time it included a burning, foamy chemical called "soap." What sick, evil, and truly twisted minds could invent such a foul thing? My only consolation is the piece of Wormtail's thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 724 - There was some sort of gathering of the Death Eaters today. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the repugnant odor of the glass tubes they call "firewhisky." More importantly however, they mentioned that my confinement was due to MY power to "poison" people. Note to self: Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 727 - I am convinced the other Death Eaters are flunkies and possibly snitches. Wormtail is routinely released from the Riddle mansion and yet, seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. Malfoy, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, as he speaks with Voldy regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current position in Voldy's presence, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a mere matter of time.

Day 730 - I played King-of-the-Hill tonight on Wormtail's bed, slithering and biting my way to the top, which I believe may have caused some bloodshed. Ha ha ha... VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!

Day 743 - Bella Lestrange stepped on me today with her enormous clodhoppers and didn't even apologize for it. What a cow she is. Just wait 'til she sees what I left for her in her Death Eater mask... he he he. I am bso/b bad! Why, I think I hear her screaming now...

Day 750 - Slept all day so I could annoy Wormtail with sleep depriving and incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. The beauty of this plan is that he has to obey my every command, or face the wrath of Voldy. Ah, good old sleep deprivation... let's see him try and plan something evil for Voldy now...

Day 754 - Today Voldy kept going on, and on, and on (ad nauseam) about some stupid prophecy concerning himself and one Harry Potter. When he is not going into his usual tirade, he mentions the possibility of world domination. Ah, yes, world domination... who wouldn't want it? Hmm... Queen Nagini... it has a nice ring to it...

Day 760 - I should really start with last nights adventures. I was thoroughly unsatisfied with my dry snake food -- which of course came out of the same bag again, and completely devoid of any flavor at all -- so I decided to show the humans just how dissatisfied I was. Hmm... that pillow should begin to smell real bad any day now.

Day 775 - Voldy seems to think I'm not paying him enough attention. Balderdash! "Stop being so distant," he tells me. I am not distant. I am just unapproachably unimpressed.

Day 776 - Wormtail seems to be afraid to come near me. He somehow came upon a most ridiculous assessment that I enjoy biting him... or something like that. Where does he get such an ludicrous idea? Besides, I don't bite. I merely cause temporary hemoglobin displacement. It keeps my fangs sharp as a tack...

Day 780 - Voldy had another talk with me today. He told me to stop being so indifferent to his "cause." I hissed to him I'm not indifferent, I am just dispassionately neutral as this evil business can get rather repetitive after awhile. Besides, who the bloody hell does all the work? ME! It was because of ME that he got a new body and it was I who went to the Department of Mysteries to attack that Mr. Weasley fellow! Not him! What an ungrateful prat he's being. Especially for all the work I do for him. I think someone needs a time-out... Humph...

Day 785 - It's official... I may have to gouge my eyes out -- if it were even remotely possible, as I don't have fingers. Let me try and explain what happened so I can quickly erase this extremely horrifying image from my memory... On one of my trips through the Riddle mansion, I happened upon a sickly and truly revolting sight: Voldy standing in front of a floor-length mirror singing "Macho Man."

**OH MY EYES! SWEET MERLIN! THEY'RE BURNING! THEY'RE BURNING!**


	2. Say It Ain't So?

Day 800 - Today I saw the most luscious piece of meat sitting on the table... just sitting there, waiting for me... Needless to say, I "forced" myself to spring up to the table and devour it. 

I beat my personal best of ten seconds to inhale a slab of meat.

Day 807 - I saw a rather cute boy snake today out in the gardens. I went to go meet him, but Voldy saw me and grabbed me...

Because of it, he now won't let me out of his sight and has me locked up in the mansion. He can take over the world, yet I can't have a boyfriend. Jeez! What gives!

Day 810 - Voldy sent Wormtail out on some sort of secret mission today, without even bothering to tell moi about it. Hmmph.

Day 811 - Well, I found out what that the big "secret mission" was. It's nothing more than a simple plan to send Wormtail to live with someone named Severus Snape for the summer. I think I've heard of him, he's a teacher at Hogwarts and none to pleasant. It would certainly explain why Wormtail wasn't looking all that pleased with it.

Ha! Now I can lounge around the Riddle mansion without having that sickening man breathe down my neck.

Day 820 - Somebody please put me out of my MISERY! Say it ain't so! Voldy said that I have to go check up on Wormtail for a couple of weeks. NO! Kill. Me. Now.

Day 822 - Right now I'm in the middle of packing for my torturous journey to keep an eye that spaz Wormtail. You know, if it wasn't for the fact that Voldy could turn me into a belt (a very fashionable belt, I might add) with a simple swish of his wand, I would have bitten him by now for coming up with such a stupid idea...

Still Day 822 - I've finished packing. I have included an extra layer of skin incase I feel like shedding this one. Also, I can't expect to travel without Mr. Snuggley-boo, my teddy. Did I just admit that! Oh well, it's not like somebody is going to steal this diary and post it for a bunch of people to read...

Day 828 - I've just arrived at some dreary place called Spinners End. What a dump this place is. The house where I'm staying isn't any better. I haven't seen this much drab since I stayed with my Great-Aunt Ethelinda in South-eastern Asia when I was just a little snake-ling.

The owner of this place, Severus Snape, is quite the dower person. His reaction to seeing me on his doorstep was nothing compared to what Wormtail's was like when he saw me. Wormtail wimpered and dashed back into his room behind the bookshelf. COWARD!

Day 833 - Everyday since I've been here, it has been the same boring ritual. This is just a detail of what I did today:

7am - Ate dry, crappy, snake food for breakfast.  
8am - Went back to sleep.  
9am - Tortured Wormtail.  
10am - Tortured Wormtail some more.  
11am - Wrote to distant relatives.  
12pm - Stole lunch from an angry Snape.  
1pm - Wrote to Voldy. Told him everything is A-OK so far.  
2pm - Tortured Wormtail again.  
3pm - Sunbathed.  
4pm - Broke into Snape's secret stash of liquor...hic  
5pm - Dinner, which consisted of crappy, dry snake food again. 6pm - Exersized (got to keep my girlish shape) by torturing Wormtail. 7pm - Stared constantly at Wormtail, making him quite uneasy and jumpy. 8pm - Liquor and dry, crappy snake food weren't agreeing. Vomited on Snape's robes, and he was very unhappy about that.  
9pm - Still felt nauseous. Decided to head to bed early. Am hoping for a nice dream about that cute garden snake at home.

Day 835 - Have I mentioned how depressing it is being here? If it were to get any livelier, I'd expect a funeral to break out at any time.

Day 837 - Something relatively interesting happened today. Two women appeared at the house. One I recognized as Bella Lestrange (COW!), but the other I didn't know. But obviously Snape knew them. I didn't know he had a girlfriend, let alone two. I didn't think the ole dog had it in him.

I didn't stay to watch, but as I was leaving, one of them started blubbering loudly.

Day 842 - I get to go home today! Another day here at this dive and I would've needed to fling myself off the nearest ravine!

Day 845 - Ah, home sweet home! How I've missed thee! The lush lawns, that boy in the gardens, and yes, even Voldy, the big oaf he is.


	3. It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World!

Day 850 - Feeling rather bored, I decided to go into the library here in the Riddle Mansion and do some reading. I found loads of old books about mythology; in them, something rather interesting jumped out at me. Apparently I'm descended from royalty! Just wait 'til Voldy hears this! 

Day 853 - Seeing as how I may very well be a Queen (along with Queen of the Universe), I may force Wormtail to test my food before I eat it just to see if it's poisoned or not.

Day 861 - Sad to say, but torturing Wormtail is growing a bit thin. I must really find myself a new hobby...

Day 869 - I overheard one of the Death Eater's talking about some strange Muggle invention called a ... _television_. My interest piqued, I found out all I could about this. I discovered that in order to make television, one has to have something called a ... _camera_.

Hmmm... Must divulge further into this matter.

Day 873 - I have decided to conjure myself this _camera_ contraption. While Voldy was busy with his nightly therapeutic bubble bath (he gets _very _tense), I saw my chance... his wand was lying unoccupied on his bed...

Day 895 - I've finally figured out how this strange contraption works and have gotten some... uh... _films_... recorded. On top of it, I have also decided on a nice beginning for them. Here's what I have planned:

_Serpentsortia Films Presents - A Nagini Original  
_(Cue to moi)  
"Hello, my name is Nagini. I have brought you many classic films, such as _Voldy in the Shower_ and _Voldy on the Toilet._ Now, I am pleased to bring you my greatest film to date, _The Eternal Struggle_."

(Cue to my recently acquired film showing a wasted Voldy trying to dress himself. "Damn these one-legged pants!" he yells.)

I must admit, getting this film wasn't nearly as scary as the first two. I may be scarred for life...

Day 900 - Voldy's hatching another sinister plan for that prat Harry Potter. He stormed about the Riddle Mansion, bragging to anyone who'd listen. I haven't heard all the gory details, but word on the street is it ends with him feeding Harry to me.

Can we all saw _EWWW_ now? No way am I going to eat that artery clogging, high-in-saturated-fat, overly carb-y kid.  
Though it's, thankfully, not as bad as the time he suggested feeding Wormtail to me.

God, talk about DISGUSTING! I swear, I would have had to gargle with bleach and kill myself afterwards if I had to eat him.

Luckily, he doesn't know about my films yet. Not that I plan on telling him, mind you... I **like** living...

Day 907 - Good news! Today Voldy announced that since we have reached our monthly quota of Muggle killings, he's taking all of us on a retreat to the beach! YAY! I could do with a tan...

Day 910 - Ahh, the sun, sand, and sea. What more could I ask for? Quiet, peacefulness, and serenity. Okay, so that much isn't true. There isn't as much quietness, peacefulness, and serenity as I imagined because Voldy is sun tanning (and sleeping) RIGHT-NEXT-TO-ME! Oh, ewww! I think he's drooling!

The others are milling about. Bella is sun tanning topless (EWW!), Fenrir is dressed head-to-toe in winter clothes (apparently he hates the sun), and Lucius is snorkling in the water.

Still Day 910 - Forgive me if this page is smudged and blurry, but I have seen a truly revolting sight and am currently soaking my eyes in the stinging salt water, trying to cleanse them as I write.

As I lay sunbathing earlier today, my eyes fell upon something _unspeakable_: Wormtail in a Speedo.

In an apparent stare of delirium, I managed to secretly capture him on film, but now, I'm feeling sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

Excuse me while I dunk my head into the salty water again... I may refuse any future meals from now on. I don't think my stomach could handle it...

Day 915 - I haven't eaten much since that _day_. Thinking about it brings on nauseousness, and I immediately run for the nearest bathroom so I can puke.

Voldy is becoming worried about my health. He keeps asking me in Parseltongue if there is anything wrong.

How... where... how do I begin to explain to him about that... that _awful_ sight?

Day 920 - We're back home. I have a nice tan, which complements my green scaly skin, but I am _so freaking famished_. I have slowly started accepting food again, though not in large amounts. It may take a while...

A/N: Yup, parts of the first chapter were based on the Cat's Diary joke. lol But parts of Chapter 1, and everything coming after it, is all original.


	4. Constantly Gardening

Day 930 — Since we've been back from our little trip to the sea, Voldy seems to be in a rather foul mood. Perhaps he misses the sun and sea like the rest of us Death Eaters. Hmm…maybe I could suggest he take up a pleasant outdoor activity. He is in desperate need of some sun on his pasty white skin…. 

Something much more relaxing and healthier than searching for that annoying little scar head….

Must think of relaxing activity…think Nagini…think….

Day 931 — I still haven't thought of something to relax him. Today, the vein over his right eye started to throb….

Man, it freaks me out big time whenever I see it…. I'm just waiting for him to explode.

Day 932 — AHA! Gardening! Why didn't I think of this sooner? The grounds here at the Riddle Mansion have gone to Hades since Voldy killed that Bryce guy, and he'll get plenty of sunlight and exercise in the process. Excuse me if I say so, but he seems to be getting a bit paunchy around the middle. If I told him once, I've told him a hundred times that firewhisky and doughnuts are not the breakfast of powerful Dark Lords. But does he listen to Nagini? Hell no! I'm just here for his bloody amusement, apparently.

Now I just have to figure out when to suggest the gardening idea to him.

Hmm…right now may not be a good time as… what's this? Wormtail just got Crucio'd out of the Riddle Mansion? Eh, perhaps I'll bring it up to him tomorrow. Maybe he'll be in a better mood by then.

Day 933 — Voldy is in a slightly better mood today, so perhaps I'll be brave and mention the gardening idea to him...

Still Day 933 — He liked my idea! Yes sir-y bob! BOOYAH! Excuse me while I go do a happy jig! Or…er… _slither_!

Day 935 — Complete with his little straw hat, pink (yes, pink) gardening gloves, and tools, he set out to make the Riddle Mansion a more enjoyable place for us Death Eaters to inhabit.

FYI, I haven't stopped my little experiments with the camera, of course not! Why, just as Voldy was leaving, I filmed him in his pink (snigger) gardening gloves. I couldn't let this little beauty of a gem pass by me…. evil grin

This shall be my pièce de résistance: "Dark Lord with Identity Crisis."

Still Day 935 — He's been out there for a few straight hours now. I'm surprised he hasn't come in yet. Wormtail has been bringing him lemonade on and off for some time now, yet Voldy has refused to come in. His kidneys must be crying out in pain...

Day 936 — Okay, he's been out there for 19 hours straight. I'm beginning to grow a bit worried….

His kidneys must REALLY be crying out by now…. Ew…what a horrible thought.

Day 943 — Voldy has been out in that bloody garden every freaking night for the past week. I swear, I'm going to start calling him the "Constant Gardener."

Of course I won't be calling this to his face, mind you. sigh There's something really unwholesome about gardening in the night time….

As I look out onto the gardens, he looks up at me and waves, mumbling, "Hello, Nagini dear" in this really creepy voice.

That's it! I have…nay…MUST…put a stop to this crappola — THIS INSTANT!

Day 945 — This gardening business has become, like, an obsession with him. I wish I could kick myself for even mentioning it.

Day 946 — While Voldy was out doing who knows what (My bet? Gardening), I went up to the attic to look (a.k.a. snoop) around in the old boxes there. Who knew Voldy kept some of his old Muggle things here? One box was full of pictures of him from his orphanage days. Merlin, he looked so…NERDY with his hair all parted down the middle like that and that freaky little polka-dotted bow tie all the boys in the pictures wore. No wonder he hated Mrs. Cole with a bloody passion. I'd hate the cow, too, if she made me wear my hair like that with that tacky bow tie….

Hmm…this picture is speaking to me. What's that? It's telling me to film this and use it in another film? Ooh, the ipossibilities/i! I'm sensing the next E! True Hollywood Story here! "The child no one wanted…the child who became the most feared Dark Lord ever…."

Day 948 — I must admit, gardening seems to really be Voldy's thing. The grounds here are looking absolutely FABULOUS! I wonder what other tricks he can do? Perhaps I could get him to try his long, pale-fingered hands at cooking. Maybe he'll be the next Rachael Ray or Emeril Lagasse. Goodness knows we need better food around here, or at least I do. Snake food bites.

* * *

A/N: This will be the last chapter in "Nagini's Diary" for a while. I apologize, but it's going to take me some time to write it and get it sent to my Beta reader. But it'll be worth the wait, I promise. :-) 


	5. I've Like, So Had It Here!

**A/N: This chapter may be considered more PG-13 for implied... well, you know. ;-)**

* * *

Day 988 - With the aid of magic, Voldy has magically made the garden grow in rapid time. Unfortunately, tonight, he's forcing us all to eat ALL... THE... STUFF... HE'S... GROWN. 

MERLIN... SAVE. ME. NOW!

I don't wanna get food poisoning!

Still Day 988 - I... I'm still alive! Voldy's "cooking" (and I use the term "cooking" loosely), could do with a lot of help, but it beats out dry snake food any day. With all those veggies I was forced to eat, I thought I was going to turn into a veggie-head. Though my cough suffering was nothing to how Snape, or the other Death Eaters looked. Severus kept poking the veggies with his fork; Bella turned her nose up at it all; Lucius raised his eyebrows; and Wormtail seemed... ipleased./i He's weird anyway, so you must excuse him.

After a few minutes, Voldy threatened us: If we did not eat his cooking, he was going to Imperio us all, force us to eat them, and as if that wasn't horrible enough, Voldy said he was going to make us watch the Care Bears on a continual loop for the next 15 hours. Bella nearly broke into tears.

Day 991 - For the last few days, I have eaten nothing but broccoli at EVERY FREAKING meal. I am beginning to turn green... wait! I'm already green, so what am I talking about? Either way, all this broccoli blows. To make it worse, every meal time, Voldy serves us while wearing some ridiculous apron and white hat that he calls a "chef's hat."

sigh First the pink gardening gloves, now this...

Day 992 - It's official... I live in the House of Freaks. On one of my many travels throughout the Mansion, I came upon Bella bottling something that smelled strangely of chocolate and... _flowers_. Curious, I slithered in to see what that scent was. Upon further inspection, I saw that she had brewed Amortentia. I wondered who the lucky cough (excuse me) _unlucky_ person was. I nearly retched when I overheard her telling Narcissa that she was making it to give to Voldy.

OH, please, no! Horrible... thought... entering... head! Must... make... it... stop... NOW!

screams

(The woman obviously needs her head examined...)

Day 994 - Not only has Bella slipped Voldy the love potion, but every time they're in a room together, they... they... I can't even write about it. It's way too disturbing. Oh, shiitake mushrooms, I think I hear them now, snogging their foolish brains out.

I've like, so had it here!

... I wish I were deaf...

Day 996 - Here I am, staying at a place I never thought I'd be... The Hogshead Inn... drinking butterbeer with someone I'd never thought possible... Fawkes. Yes, the bloody bird is sitting directly across from me, telling me his life problems in cute, squeaky little chirps. Apparently he's suffering from some detachment issues since Dumbledore died. Apparently, ol' Snivelly did him in with the Avada Kedavra curse, near the Astronomy Tower at Hogwarts.

Memo to me: Don't tick off Snape.

sigh Maybe it's the butterbeer talking, but I'm finding myself strangely attracted to this bird...

Day 997 - Oh... my head. Too many butterbeers for me. Apparently that stuff is alcoholic to us animals... Though, I was in for the shock of my life when I looked over and saw myself lying next to that bloody bird! Oh sweet Merlin! I don't remember a thing that happened last night!

Eh... maybe it's for the best that I _don't_ remember anything...

Day 999 - I've been gone for a few days now, yet nobody's bothered to come look for me. I half-expected Voldy to come crawling on hands and knees searching for me, begging me for my forgiveness, and bawling that I'm the only girl in his life and not that skanky Bella. But no. I, apparently, am just an afterthought.

Humph!

Day 1,000 - I have come to the decision that nobody is coming to look for me, so I will go look for a new place to live. Perhaps I can go to Hogwarts. Or maybe I can just travel around and make the world my home - and maybe torment a few Muggles along the way!

Decisions, decisions...

... Eh, maybe I'll just go to Hogwarts. I hear Slughorn loves sugary sweets. He should be slow enough for me to torment...smirk

Still Day 1,000 - I just discovered today that Fawkes is also going to Hogwarts. I accidentally let it slip that I was looking to go, so he offered to fly me there, but how uncomfortable is that going to be? Besides now, we haven't exactly spoken (or seen) each other since cough ithat/i night...

Day 1,003 - Well, talk about uncomfortable. I haven't been that uncomfortable with someone since I "accidentally" turned Wormtail into the world's ugliest woman and Voldy caught me with his wand in my mouth.

Day 1,004 - Today, I will begin my new life at Hogwarts...


	6. Nagini Tells It Like It Is

Day 1,007 — Forget the "Emancipation of Mimi," it's all about the "Emancipation of Nagini." I'm FREE! Free of Moldyshorts; free of that very disturbed woman, Bella; and free of that spaz Wormtail! 

If I might say so, life is good!

Day 1,008 - I have been here for a few days now, and I've had the time of my life! It's so weird seeing the teachers during the off-season. Apparently, I arrived a bit too late to enjoy torturing the students. Oh well. There's always the teachers to annoy. Especially the one they call "McGonagall." The woman looks like she has a stick up her butt 24/7. Boy, does she need to loosen up and relax.

Day 1,010 - Fat, slow, and waddles like a duck. Thy name is Horace Slughorn, the slowest man to grace the face of the earth. I saw him earlier in the Great Hall, carrying what looked like some kind of candy treat. Luckily for me, there was a small hole in the bag, and I could get my tongue in there to eat some. Yummy!

Day 1,011 - Upon my arrival at the school, I immediately made my new home inside that Potter prat's dormitory, namely on his bed. (It's very comfortable, I might add. Especially the pillow.) How do I know this is his dormitory? Mess. Lots of it. Girls aren't nearly that cleanliness-impaired. That, and the over abundance of red and gold decorations throughout the place.

Tomorrow I may check out McGonagall's office and see what kind of damage I can do there.

Day 1,012 - As I made my way into McGonagall's vacant classroom today, I saw an opportunity calling to me. Pushing a chair close to the blackboard, I wrote in large letters, "NAGINI RULZ!"

Let's see what she makes of that. Hee... hee...

Day 1,015 - NO! It... it can't be! I just remembered some most horrible! My... my dreaded birthday is coming up in a few days. I don't wish to say how old I'll be, even here. It's a secret that shall die with me. Even Voldy didn't know.

Like I'd tell him how old... er... young I am. Pfft.

Day 1,016 - For the love of Merlin! How my family knew to send my birthday gifts here is anybody's guess. Oh, and to make things worse, they sent me one of those horrible, ungainly tube sweaters. shudders

People, it's summer! I don't need a sweater. sigh Especially one that is the most ugliest shade of puke orange imaginable. That is so going to clash with my green skin. (It must've been picked out by my great-aunt Ethelinda. The woman's color blind apparently, and she has no sense of style...) Though, the cake they sent me is scrumdidillyumptious!

Day 1,020 - I fear I may start to waddle soon. I have eaten nothing but cake for the past few days, and now, I'm way too stuffed to move. My gut is starting to bulge, and I worry I may explode into 'Nagini bits' if I eat anymore.

Oh, the agony... Somebody, please shoot me and put me out of my misery!

Day 1,022 - I literally had to raid the kitchens to find some kind of antacid.

Bless the people who created antacids, be they Muggle or Wizard. Why... uh-oh... I feel a huge burp coming on...

Oh, Merlin!

Day 1,023 - Strange creatures they are, House Elves. Willing to bend over backwards if I ask. Hmm... that gives me an idea, but back on topic. They actually called me "Master Nagini."

Ha! Take that Moldyshorts! The only thing he ever said to me was, "Come here, Nagini...," "Do my bidding, Nagini...," or my personal favorite, "What do you think of my new evil plan, Nagini." Oh, and let's not forget those hideous times he tried to get me to eat Wormtail. EW. I really must learn to suppress those awful memories.

I get no respect. Ever. Not once did he ever call me "Master Nagini." Pfft.

Day 1,027 - Uh-oh! I better leave Hogwarts as quickly as I can! I've just overheard the anal-one (a.k.a. McGonagall), tell the staff that a spy is in the castle! They mean me! Oh, crap! I knew I shouldn't have written "Nagini Rulz" on her blackboard...

Just call me mint jelly, 'cause I'm on the lamb...

Day 1,031 - I'm as far from Hogwarts I can possibly get; in fact, I'm back at The Hog's Head Inn. I barely made it out of that school alive!

Day 1,032 - Hmm... I was thinking, this seedy pub would be the perfect place for me to showcase my Voldy Films. It just so happens that somebody left their wand lying about, so I conjured the films back to me.

Oh, sweet films, how I've missed thee! Now if only I could get in touch with Rita Skeeter. I'm sure she would just ilove/i to get a hold of these films...

Wait! Hold that thought... I do believe I just saw a beetle floating around here somewhere. YES! There she is! I recognize the markings. (I do, after all, know all about her framing that Potter prat... Read all about it in _The Daily Prophet.)_

Ha! Sweet, sweet revenge against the one person who doesn't appreciate me any more...

Operation: Embarrass the Hell out of Voldy is now in action...

* * *

A/N... 

Okay, the time has come unfortunately. The next chapter will be the last in Nagini's Diary. After all, all good things must come to an end. :-)


	7. The Final Thoughts of Nagini

Still Day 1,032 - Me: I have a proposition for you, Rita. 

Rita: _A — a talking snake?_

Me: Yes, I'm a talking snake. I —

Rita: _If you talk, why am I writing in your diary?_

Me: Because I don't speak English, you fool! I only speak Parseltongue!

Rita: _Oh. Well, um, what did you want? You know I don't associate with Dark Objects..._

Me: I'm not a "Dark Object," at least... not anymore. I've seen the error of my ways...

Rita: _What kind of proposition do you have for me?_

Me: How would you like to be the only reporter to get the "inside scoop" on Voldemort?

Rita: ...

Me: I have several videos showing Voldemort in some rather embarrassing situations. Now, I'm a sharing sort of gal, so I'd be willing to share them with you... for a price.

Rita: _Price? I don't think so. This sounds like some kind of hoax. I'm out of here..._

Me: Wait! You don't want me to tell the Ministry that you're an unregistered Animagus, do you?

Rita: _How in the ruddy hell do you know about that?_

Me: I have my own contacts within the Ministry... Those delivery owls they keep there are dead useful, if you get my drift... So, do we have a deal?

Rita: _Fine. Deal._

Me: Just so we're clear: I get credit for half, and receive half the moolah the films fetch.

Rita: _Screw that. I'm out of here._

Me: Two words: Unregistered Animagus.

Rita: _Damn it. All right, half the credit and money goes to you. How would you like to be credited?_

Me: Just as Nagini.

Rita: _No last name to go with that?_

Me: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

So, with a slightly odd handshake (her shaking my rattler), we made a deal to showcase the films in iThe Daily Prophet./i She warned me that it might take a few days for it to be approved.

Day 1,033 - You'll never believe what I saw today in _The Daily Prophet._ Here, I posted the ad:

_**Missing:  
One large, green snake, female.  
Markings on back, answers to any command.  
If found, please return to:  
4426 Gellandie Road  
Little Hangleton, England  
Careful with handling, may bite if provoked.**_

_Now_ he looks for me? Pfft. "Answers to any command?" Who does he think he's kidding anyway? I answer to no one but myself.

Day 1,035 - Sweet, sweet revenge! Rita managed to get my films in their own special edition of _The Daily Prophet_! They must've used a special movie showing charm because now on the front page shows my film, _Voldy in the Shower_, in all its horrifying glory. Though that's not the film I would have suggested putting on the front. I mean, loads of people read this at breakfast. They shouldn't be subjected to seeing such a nauseating sight of a naked Voldy butt that early in the morning...

Day 1,038 - Today _The Daily Prophet_ showcased another of my films, _Voldy on the Toilet_. Woo, boy... if Voldy ever saw me now, he'd Avada Kedavra me right on the spot. I may need to go into a Magical Witness Protection Program...

Day 1,041 - The last, and final film in my Serpentsortia films (_The Eternal Struggle_), was showcased on today's front page under the title of: _"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Made Laughing Stock of Wizard Community - By Nagini and Rita Skeeter"_

I would just _love_ to see his face when he reads the morning paper... Hee... hee...

Day 1,042 - Death Eaters have raided the Hogshead Inn! Leading the charge was my former master, dear ole Voldy. And boy, was he looking a bit perturbed to say the least. Of course, instead of being met with fear and a bunch of cowering idiots, he was met with snickers and laughter. I seem to have ruined his image a bit...

He saw me in the back of the pub, my face down in a butterbeer glass. I heard him coming closer, our eyes met as I looked up. I barely got out of the way before he shouted Avada Kedavra at me.

Still Day 1,042 - pant pant I barely made it out of there alive! Oh, dear sweet someone up there that likes me so, I must find a way for him to not recognize me! But how? Think Nagini, think...

Day 1,043 - You'll never believe you I've just run into: Harry and co. Yes, the so-called Golden Trio. They saw me hiding among the branches, waiting for someone to come save me. My prayers must have been answered. Though that's not quite how I was imagining things...

I spoke to Harry directly, since he's the only one who understands me. I promised to tell him everything I know about Voldy if he would only help me to escape him. After a quick conversation with the other two, he turned to face me. "Please," I hissed. "Don't judge me on my past misdeeds. If I were truly evil still, I wouldn't have embarrassed the hell out of Voldy like that."

Harry looked thoughtful for a moment before turning around to talk to the bushy-haired witch and the fire-haired wizard. After a moment, he turned around again. "What is it that you want us to do for you?"

Day 1,045 - I can't believe it worked. It feels so strange to actually be able to hold a quill in my hands, and not in my mouth. When I stand, I can actually see eye to eye with people! Let me explain...

I was able to convince the Trio to... squee!... make me _human_! Yes, human! I am no longer a snake. I am a beautiful young woman. I'm a real girl now! Screw Pinoccio! And it was all thanks to the bushy-haired witch and her advanced knowledge of magic! Now Voldy won't recognize me! He'll be looking for a snake, not a human! Ha!

Day 1,046 - To keep up my end of the bargain, I had to tell the Order everything I knew about Voldy: Who he has working for him, where they're hiding, what's his next move is, etc., etc. I answered them all to the best of my knowledge as he hardly ever shared any info with me. Humph.

Adjusting to the two-legged life is difficult. I still find myself reverting back to my snake-y ways at times. Can't blame me though, I've been a snake my whole life! Why, just an hour ago, I found myself almost biting this strange guy named Moody's leg. Oy, did that lead to some rather uncomfortable few seconds...

According to scar-head... oh, er... Potter, I need to come up with a new name for myself...

Day 1,047 - I've got it! My new name will be Sarah! It's a common name, and Voldy will never suspect it!

Meanwhile, the war is still going on. It's absolutely horrible. I don't think I'll be writing anymore until the war is over...

Toodles for now,  
Nagini... or, er...  
Sarah

Day 1,500 - The war is over, and Voldy has been defeated. Most of the Death Eaters have been captured and sent to Azkaban. The others weren't so lucky. They were either: A) killed in battle, or B) received the Dementor's kiss. (Un)lucky them. Let us hope that the Dementors used breath mints before kissing someone, or at least - for the love of Merlin - gargled and brushed.

As strange as it is for me to write this, I can't help but wonder if Dementors ever French kiss their victims.

Ew.

Day 1,501 - Sad to say, Bella didn't get killed or kissed. Instead, she's sitting on her ugly butt in prison. I just found out from Harry who's been visiting the captured Death Eaters in Azkaban, ID'ing them, and whatever the spaz MoM is having him do.

Meh.

Seeing as how Voldy chose Bella over me, I hope those prison stripes on her make her look hideous. More so.

Voldy didn't die in the battle. All the while, he's been waiting to be prosecuted. They are still trying to figure out what punishment would best suit him. I suggested that he be Frenched by a Dementor. Though, I don't know who I'll feel more sorry for: Voldy, or the Dementor that got stuck doing it.

sigh

One can only hope that he regrets letting me go. Hmph.

Day 1,510 - I can't believe that I am on my way to Azkaban to actually see Voldy. Scratch that... Voldy in _PRISON!_ I have to go now. Harry's waiting for me. He was nice enough to offer me the chance to rub it in to Voldy one last time. I swear, I must remember to kiss Harry when we get back...

Still Day 1,510 - The journey to Azkaban wasn't quite what I imagined. Let's just say that it involved me being squeezed into some tube-like thing next to someone who does not know what the letters B.O. stand for - or even that it has happened to him. God, I haven't smelled something that awful since Bella (liberally) sprayed herself with this cheap French perfume that reeked of something I could only guess as cat pee.

Oh, I could not smell anything for at least a week afterwards after it "mysteriously" found itself in the toilet and down the drain. Really, I don't know how it got there. cough Honest. But I'm going off topic here...

I really do believe Voldy just about passed out when I came walking up to his cell and told him who I really was.

"Nagini..." he whispered, eyes growing wide. He scrambled closer to the bars to get a better look at me.

I raised my eyebrows. "How nice of you to remember me. Especially since you like Bella better."

"Nagini, I - I made a mistake... Please forgive me!"

Harry, who smiled a devilish grin at me, leaned over and whispered something into my ear at that moment.

I stared at Voldy for a moment before raising my hand and saying, "Talk to the hand 'cause the head ain't listening."

"Nagini, you're the only girl for me. Please, don't leave me here!"

"After all the evil things you made me do. And seeing as how you never respected me, I don't know why I should even look at you."

"But - but..."

Ha! For once, Voldy was at a loss for words. After a moment of him looking dumbstruck, he finally managed to spit out a complete sentence. "You... you little traitor!" he shouted. "You're that Potter freak's supporter now!"

"At least he respects me for me, and not as just something to do your bidding!" I shouted back. Harry, meanwhile, kept grinning as Voldy and I continued out little shouting match. I think he was enjoying this a little _too_ much, perhaps.

"After all I've done for you -"

"What have you done for me?" I asked. "It was always one order after another with you. You are just an ungrateful little prat! And all the times you tried to feed Wormtail to me... Merlin! Why didn't I leave sooner? That was just plain _sick_!" With my hands placed firmly on my hips, I shouted one last time before leaving, "I don't think you're ready for this jelly!"

Day 1,517 - It has been a trying time since I started this dear diary. But the time has come for me to move on. I am no longer the same girl I was when I started this diary. Henceforth, this will be my last entry into it.

Since this is my last entry, I should at least mention the day's events: It seems ol' Voldy is _still_ sitting in prison for his "misdeeds." (And I use the term loosely.) He is to wait there until Harry kills him. I mean, "nobody can live while the other survives," right? Harry is busy planning on how best to do it. I suggested poisoning his food, but Harry is opting for something not so subtle... more violent I suppose. I mentioned letting the Dementors French kiss him, which sent him over the edge, laughing as though it was the funniest thing ever. Eh, I guess it is, but I was being serious.

Oh well.

Harry offered to show me his aunt and uncle's house this afternoon, while taking a break from his "Kill Voldy" scheming. He said we couldn't go in (telling me his relatives are huge pains-in-the-arses), but he lead me right up the driveway and we looked into the windows like a couple of peeping Toms.

Here's where it gets interesting. Apparently, the-all-around-pain-in-the-arse (also known as Rita Skeeter), sold our films to Muggle TV, and now they're being broadcasted across Muggle England - and onto the Dursley's TV. (Memo to me: Make sure the cow pays up.) We, apparently, arrived just in time to see the 12 'o clock news playing "A weirdly dressed fool making a complete and utter idiot of himself." (Their words exactly. Though it would have been more appropriate to say "A completely spazzed Dark Lord - who didn't respect his girl - paid the ultimate price in embarrassment.")

Suffice to say, I never thought I see the day when Voldy would be shown on Muggle TV. Oh how I wish I could see his face... Though it was nothing compared to mine when I heard through the open window, Harry's uncle speak:

"Petunia, dear, have you noticed how today's teenagers just keep getting weirder and weirder?"

The End


End file.
